When a family member tells you they are nonbinary, you may feel uncertain about what this means or how to respond. The good news is that your love and support can make an enormous difference. Here is how to be there for your loved one.
What does nonbinary mean?
Nonbinary is an umbrella term for gender identities that are not exclusively male or female. Some nonbinary people identify as a mix of genders, some identify as neither, and some identify as a different gender entirely.
It is important to understand that being nonbinary is not a phase, a trend, or a sign of confusion. It is a valid identity that many people experience.
What your family member needs
To be seen and validated
Your family member needs to know that you see them for who they are. This means accepting their identity as real and valid.
To be called the right name and pronouns
Ask your family member what name and pronouns they use. Use them consistently. This is one of the most important ways to show respect.
To be loved unconditionally
Your love should not be conditional on understanding or agreeing with their identity. They need to know that your love is steady.
Space to explore
Gender identity can be complex. Your family member may be exploring, questioning, or figuring things out. They need your patience.
Common feelings and how to move past them
Confusion
It is normal to feel confused, especially if you are not familiar with nonbinary identities. Educate yourself. Read books, articles, and resources. However, do not expect your family member to be your only teacher.
Fear
You might worry about how others will treat them, or about their safety. These concerns are understandable, but they should not lead you to dismiss or reject their identity. Instead, channel that energy into supporting them.
Grief
Some parents feel a sense of loss when a child comes out. These feelings are valid, but they should not be placed on your family member. Process these feelings with a therapist or support group, not with your loved one.
Wanting to understand “why”
There is no single “why” behind gender identity. Rather than trying to find a reason, focus on accepting your family member as they are.
Practical ways to show support
Use their correct name and pronouns
This is fundamental. If you make a mistake, correct yourself briefly and move on.
Ask how to help
Ask your family member what would be helpful. Do not assume.
Educate yourself
Read books and articles. Learn about the experiences of nonbinary people.
Stand up for them
If you hear others misgender or dismiss them, speak up.
Include them
Continue to include your family member in family activities and traditions. Their identity does not change their place in your family.
Respect their privacy
Do not share their identity with others without their permission.
Be patient
Adjusting takes time. Your family member likely understands that this is an adjustment for you too.
What not to do
- Do not dismiss or deny their identity
- Do not use their birth name or pronouns if they have asked you not to
- Do not say it is “just a phase”
- Do not demand explanations or reasons
- Do not share their identity with family or friends without permission
- Do not try to “fix” them
Taking care of yourself
Supporting a nonbinary family member can bring up complex feelings. Make sure you have support too:
- Connect with other parents and families of LGBTQ people
- Consider family therapy with an LGBTQ-affirming therapist
- Join support groups for parents of trans and nonbinary children
- Seek individual counseling if needed
Conclusion
Your family member came to you because they trust you. Your response can shape their mental health, your relationship, and their sense of belonging in the world. Love, acceptance, and willingness to learn are what they need most.